a letter to my past self

3.16.2010

Dear myself,

Or not, whichever you prefer. This is dumb. Why in the world am I writing a letter to myself? Oh well, on with the assignment.Right now, I am in ninth mod, which is Issues of Conscience. Which is more commonly known as Tolerance. It’s a little past halfway through the third quarter, and I am doing well academically speaking. Then again, I feel fantastic, besides the meager amount of stupidity I feel by writing this to myself. My handwriting still hasn’t improved.

I have really no idea what type of person I am. Socially challenged? Maybe it’s definitely a possibility. Where do I see myself after I graduate? Well, both my parents are in agreement when it comes to my going to college. Funny they actually agree on something. Anyways, I will probably go to college, but I don’t have a clue what my major would be. What happens after college? Hopefully that road trip I’ve been planning or maybe that can go before college. And then after I can try and settle into society.I still think this assignment is ridiculous. Since I’ve moved in with my dad, I’ve been feeling better mentally. Even though I mainly spend my time in solitude, minus the fact that I text my boyfriend practically 24/7. Not that I mind, I think he’s really cool.

Hopefully, in the years to come, I continue with my writing and creative ways that I supposedly have. Oh, and I am still currently hobby-less, so hopefully I find something by now, er, then.Wow, I almost filled a complete page.

What?! Homework tonight is to write a poem?! About myself? ! I suck at writing about myself. Take this letter as an example.Self-esteemed hasn’t improved much either.

Onto the second page.Being fifteen still feels the same as all the other ages, or at least it seems that way.

Hopefully, by the time I read this, I’ll feel more confident and accomplished and have better handwriting. As much as I would love to continue writing, my hand is cramping up. Probably because I’m holding the pen all weird.So, peace, love, hope.

Oh, and please live long enough to be able to read this. ‘Kay, thanks.

[undated, but probably May 2010]

hey you,

this seems familiar doesn’t it? Another letter to myself, ‘cept this time I’m sitting in geometry next to Sabrina. I’m writing on graph paper ‘cause this is math class. Sabrina sarcastically called me cool for that. I already forgot what i wrote in the other letter, so sorry if i repeat anything. You’ll just have to deal.

I do remember, however, that I was pretty cynical towards the whole writing-a-letter-to-yourself deal. This letter seems happy now, doesn’t it?

I haven’t lost any friends yet. I’m going to a [friend’s] party and will be able to reconnect with my [other town] friends. [I then proceeded to list all my friends].Handwriting still sucks. finals start tomorrow, kinda nervous.I believe I have grown closer to my [new] friends as the year drove on. [Boyfriend] and i are three and a half months in, I think. I dunno, who’s keeping track? I’m trying really hard not to write about him too much because this most likely won’t last until senior year. You know what I mean because duh, you’re me. I really don’t want my yearbook, but my dad bought one for me anyway.

In english now, I don’t know whether to keep blabbering or to end this. But how to end this is the question. I’m kinda sad that freshman year is over. then again, I’m always sad towards the end of school. I’m not too sure what else to write. I could talk emotionally about stuff, but yeah don’t like that kind of stuff. I stopped writing in my book, but maybe I’ll start again. I dunno. I enjoy talking to myself. I take pictures of the sky. My hair is blue. I hope summer is as good as the past three months have been. one can only hope.

Dear Past Me,

I think you misunderstood the assignment. Or really you just filled pages with nonsense instead of truly thinking about your future. Even though the future is mutable, it’s nice to hope for things. It didn’t have to be profound or outstanding.

What did you want?

Could you really not see a future at 15?

Unfortunately, I know the answer. I can see in the lines that you thought everything was fleeting and nothing good could possibly last.

I wish I could show you now: the contentment, the cats, the writing … we’ve done so much on our own & with a circle tighter than your own skin.

You’ve found your soulmate; no it’s not who you think it is. You’ve learned how to be a friend. What it means to be there for someone & have someone return all of that - because they want to.

You’ve seen love fall apart, but you’ve also seen it persevere, grow in the most unlikely places. You’ve learned what it takes to cultivate it, when to cut the leaves and when to water.

You feel valued. You finished that book and have many more already floating onto the paper.

You still like talking to yourself. You are still sad about classes ending so you take a few on the side just for the love of learning. Your hair is natural. You paint. You collect cards. You have found the best pens ever. Hobbies upon hobbies - let’s try them all. This summer has been a revitalization of every past summer.

It’s not so dumb to have goals & write about them. It’s nice to see the road map and watching your icon veer into its own unexpected direction. An accidental adventure. Or even sticking to a path is exciting, watching the progress bar fill with gratitude.

Anyway, Past Me, Future Me, whichever you prefer, I hope you read this and remember or hope. Either way, I think of you fondly.

~ Yours forever.